Close to 5 days late. HAHAHAHA but oh well..
Recently I just can't be bothered to put all my feelings into words and all.
I guess sometimes I just really suck in expressing myself but oh well...
even expressing myself from the bottom of my heart and in the end I still feel so exposed.
basically....
I don't think 2014 will be a super duper mega different year from 2013.
Like..how different can I be?
Still the usual joanne, the one who just yearns to stay at home but yet idk why and what am I busy with like I just had things to attend to every single day.
Family, Chingay, Studies, Friends, Relationship and myself.
been living my life like this since last / last last year ( I lost count when did I even enter poly).
never thought my life would be like this.
the relationship is an additional thing like oh well it just simply meant lesser time for myself but isn't this commitment like what can I say.
Chingay - not to mention, this is something I don't mind spending my time with.
basically its because all these people are literally my favourites.
Like it always laughter and joy with anyone of them, I can just be noisy and weird.
those glamour times and those not-so-glamour like getting scolded, waking up, the tired-like-mad faces and those hairstyles like some after-typhoon style and drenched.
everything seemed to be like so normal to each and every one of us.
and of course this chingay is just an excuse for people like me jiaen vanessa and regina to meet up
and do something we like.
So much of fun and everything.
Like you see how everyone grew from years years back.
Yeah, of course not everything is perfect. I start to worry if committing in chingay would eventually affect my studies.
The parades are near the exams, and my january weekends are all gone for rehearsals and so.
then again, its like a whole day event where I need to go out early in the morning and only reach home late in the midnight, adding on the other things that I'll have to attend to basically its like I'm going out everyday (which I really hate to.)
and my parents are not supportive of me and chingay..
imagine you coming back late from all the heat, the work and the runnings then when you reach home, the next thing you have to start worry is your parents' sarcasm about you and the event.
I've lived this kind of life for 4 years.
Never expect too much of compliments or appraisal from them.
Friends.
Yeah, mostly everything is fine just that..recently I really have that kind of thinking like...
Is it me or I start not to understand how my friends are thinking?
like I don't understand like really...is it really me?
People are changing to match up with what they should do with the age
and i am just stuck here in my own world sticking to what i like and not willing to get out of it
I agree I really do get tired of all my life like I really just wanna rest in bed and think through what am I busy with
I really do wanna go back to the simple life I had.
seems like my world is getting too complicated for me to handle
everything is in a mess and even if I wanna sort it out I don't know how to start and whats exactly the problem.
and thats why I yearned for a getaway. Anywhere will do.
Recently my bff started to go clubs and all but okay I gotta know that we're of that age and its okay
she said she will take care of herself and okay yea i trust that she will.
she doesn't go alone and yeah she have friends along so things may not be so bad
but its just in my world my impression these places are just basically like a tombstone?
going in it's like digging your own grave.
thank god that she's allergic to alcohol and yeah, it brings the thing to a point where I can at least tell myself she's not drinking alcohol she's not getting drunk and all those shit nonsense stuff out there in the clubs.
But I just can't help but to keep worrying.
Even if I imagine I'm like tearing up kinda badly but what can I do
not as if I can stop her from going and I won't stop her anyway
she enjoys it and yeap, everyone has different preferences
but it's just the danger stressing me out
I'm totally lost now like I don't even know what to do
she's getting quieter even when we hang out and I am just so helpless that I don't even know what to do
no one can help me
I really don't want to be like sitting awkwardly with her and then ya we'll just look at each other
basically excuses being like there's nothing to say like fuck this shit how can this even happen
i get tired of trying like i know i'm being an annoying shit but I don't even dare to imagine what if someday she just vanishes like that i think i might as well just die like people like you won't even know won't even understand how much this one little girl actually stands in my heart oh my god i am just being purely paranoid over things that are not even going to happen but i just cannot i want my old cheerful crazy jiaen back and not the one that always sleep emo and whats more using the phone when i'm right in front i used to use twitter on my phone quite a lot back then when not everyone has data plan and this girl she was the one who said i really hate people using the social network when we are hanging out and thats when like okay i shall not do that the next time but things get really creepy when she is just so emo shit like you know something is wrong there but you dont even know how to fucking help your friend out there yeah you try to help yourself first but you no longer even care about yourself anymore its just her her her and more of her you start guessing is she really happy or what is that a strong front like fuck this why am i guessing cant i just bloody open my bloody mouth and ask her but all i am afraid of is getting a reply like no nothing is wrong i am ok. it seems like you are giving up on yourself because of the terrible incidents over some assholes like i had enough why cant i even help you out of this shit like what can i do i cant give you good advices i dont even know the latest updates even things happen like i am still living in my ownn happy world but you know even when i am stuck in between the worst choices i would still choose you over anything else that i have a choice. things have been like even my mom has been asking me why isnt she coming over to our house ever since she came back from china but i dont even know how to answer like i dont know i've tried asking but nah she's not coming over anytime soon we are too busy with our own stuffs and this is why i fucking really really regretted not studying harder for o and freaking get into the same school as her i regret even if time rewind i am not confident that i can score as well as her but i will do better in my interview as long as i am able to enter like why cant you fucking score well for one damn interview just bloody think through before you talk. i really really really really genuinely really want to be there for you forever like i seriously hope even when you get married i will there too when you have kids i'll be that freaking annoying aunty that annoys the shit out of your kids and then tell your kids what have we done ever since we met each other and all these and that even if you say you dont wanna get married and lets stay together forever okay lets do it you wanna study overseas together okay i will work harder to make sure i will be able to get into the same school as you in the future and the history will not even repeat itself again . i don't even need you to text me everyday or talk to me everyday i just need you to come to me when you need me you dont even have to tell me what happened you can just come to me and cry in my arms or whatever shit i just dont want to be keeping quiet with you and like the days where we meet and yet we dont even speak up till 10 lines in our conversation yes i know we are close that we dont even have to talk to be comfortable but lately our silence is getting a little too uncomfortable and all you can see is just your phone and not me i really love you okayyy i hate to see your strong front but i just want you to be okay just like i will be okay as long as i have you and nothing else really matter. at least let me know once in a while you still need me because i am feeling so insecure ever since 2013 started and that drama shit started and dont want anything to happen to you. your phone is your best company true that your phone will always be with you but i cant be forever be with you because no one knows what will happen tomorrow i just wanna go back to our happy days can we lets not think so much about things that wouldnt change even if you cry your lungs out can we? just tell me when you are not happy with me or whatever when i am so that freaking dumb that i dont even know you were unhappy and all like i have so many other dramas to play a part in i can no longer know what is right what is wrong sometimes i just need you tell me straight and help me out please dont ever throw me away sorry for everything. i just want to be there for youuuuuuuuuuuu yikes.
never thought i would be weeping like shit when i thought i should be updating my blog but oh well this is so overwhelming like over the days and nights i cant even sleep at night nothing is right.
oh wow what did i even typed up there lol.
AHAHAAHAH oh well pardon me for that but I do get emotional over my loved ones.
bleah.
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