Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Sunday, August 12, 2018
Friday, July 13, 2018
我没有变
Being an introvert, he doesn't like social events. I do get that, 100%.
So lately, I have been caught up with thoughts on how different we actually are. Of course, as far as possible I wouldn't like nor prefer someone who is the same as me. We'll end up being super clingy and needy at the same time. I knows it all.
I'd have him meet my friends. After all, i'm a friends person. It really meant a lot to me when he meets my friends but clearly he lives in the other spectrum. He doesn't get why is he going for a party whom he doesn't even know whom the party belonged to. I get that it isn't the best occasion to be at. Even challenging for him. But will there ever be a best time? He doesn't know anyone in there, why is he even there, why does he have to meet my friends. Those are our differences, heartbreakingly. I'd always thought it's a gesture of love to meet those who meant something to your partner. I'm not expecting buddies to be formed. I must wanted a link up, making acquaintance, and most importantly making his existence known to people whom i care about.
Words won't describe how these words pierced through my heart and i'm doubting my decision to force him out of his comfort zone. Already.
He said I've changed. I've used to tell him more, but no longer. Give me another 5 minutes with him and I'd guarantee a water works. God knows how things have changed. I wouldn't stop spamming him with messages when he's unavailable. I have so so much to share and i'm elated to share with the one i love. But, obviously i felt that we no longer talk as much as the time taken to reply have prolonged, and I didn't think that he'd be interested to hear it. I don't say it but how many countless messages that I've sent through, I honestly don't even know if he read it and took it to heart cause I wasn't given a reaction for the longest time ever. So i stopped sharing things that may be irrelevant.
Is it really just my fault for changing? Deeply hurt.
Life has been really really tiring.
Pretty much worn out trying to be there for everyone
Being someone whom I don't even know anymore
Just pretty much wearing a mask doing things that would make me feel better doing it for people.
Constant fearing that I will not be well-liked.
People may starting leaving me when I am also clear that I don't need everyone to be here in my life. I really know it doesn't matter and I've just gotta do me.
It hurts even more when you know what you need to know and you also know you're just trying to reach that but there's just no way for me to be there.
Times when I felt that people were just being themselves and I had to accommodate them to feel better of myself, I do wonder how do people just be themselves so easily. Why can't just be like them? So what if I'm not even myself and people are just getting annoyed with it, who would accept the real me?
I am selfish too.
When times are bad, when negativity and emotions are overwhelming, I felt a tinge of happiness by just imagining the worst. I hoped that the car I was in would just crash. And how nice if I could just end everything there and then. No more shit. Being mad irresponsible but I have issues following through. Do I really have the capabilities to solve what's ahead of me without having to give it up or cut it? It's never just about me. Do I really want to change another person? No. My heart wouldn't be hard enough. It would be on a vicious cycle on loop. But still, 我乐在其中. What else can I say?
Nothing.
Sleep it off.
Hoping that I don't remember about all these shit tomorrow.
Fucking hate being accused, not even for a tiny bit.
I can't hold a hand that doesn’t hold me back.
Pretty much worn out trying to be there for everyone
Being someone whom I don't even know anymore
Just pretty much wearing a mask doing things that would make me feel better doing it for people.
Constant fearing that I will not be well-liked.
People may starting leaving me when I am also clear that I don't need everyone to be here in my life. I really know it doesn't matter and I've just gotta do me.
It hurts even more when you know what you need to know and you also know you're just trying to reach that but there's just no way for me to be there.
Times when I felt that people were just being themselves and I had to accommodate them to feel better of myself, I do wonder how do people just be themselves so easily. Why can't just be like them? So what if I'm not even myself and people are just getting annoyed with it, who would accept the real me?
I am selfish too.
When times are bad, when negativity and emotions are overwhelming, I felt a tinge of happiness by just imagining the worst. I hoped that the car I was in would just crash. And how nice if I could just end everything there and then. No more shit. Being mad irresponsible but I have issues following through. Do I really have the capabilities to solve what's ahead of me without having to give it up or cut it? It's never just about me. Do I really want to change another person? No. My heart wouldn't be hard enough. It would be on a vicious cycle on loop. But still, 我乐在其中. What else can I say?
Nothing.
Sleep it off.
Hoping that I don't remember about all these shit tomorrow.
Fucking hate being accused, not even for a tiny bit.
I can't hold a hand that doesn’t hold me back.
Say that I am just sensitive
It really sucks to be feeling as though you’re the only one holding on to everything.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Turns out, There's more!
Andddddd in a blink of an eye, I'm actually done with my first year in University when I can clearly remember the day I sat at the exact same spot and being uncertain yet excited about life as a student all over again.
(SIT adopts a trimester basis academic calendar so in a year we have 3 trimesters)
Strictly speaking, I'm done with 2 trimesters into my year one and the third trimester is for my peers who are unable to exempt their internships (due to the different background they came from), which brings me back to the day when my tutor during secondary school days were concerned if the poly that I chose to go, offers advance standing (ie. credit exemptions) to universities. At that time, it didn't hit me cause I thought I wasn't able to study till I end up in a university. But right now as I look back, so grateful for her, if not I'll probably be crying at my study desk all day.
So, I am currently granted a 4-months long 'holiday' cause I was able to exempt my internship. This is the one and only longest holidays that I will ever have throughout my course of study cause between the trimesters, the 'holidays' will only last for 2 weeks and back we are in school! Thus, its my unofficial end of year one and in September, I'll be returning to school as a Year 2 students with no more exemptions (argh). Having said so, university is really really really not easy. I thought I was ready cause I remembered how much I hated work, but studying is another level of effort at your own expense. Taking into consideration that a bigger part of me expects myself to do well and good and that contributes to the stress, but....environmental played a huge role too. Its really "the only easy days were yesterday".
I had my fair share of fun this trimester (I only had three modules and two were electives). Sometimes, when people ask "Why did you choose to study Hospitality for both your diploma and degree" and my answer will always be "Cause hospitality is the only thing that I don't mind studying". Which is true. Cause I really felt I had fun while doing (some) projects. It can be really really really fun and it allowed me to realize that I actually have some interest in videoing. My interest to snap photos and all was just chucked aside cause I thought that was normal, but after projects got interesting and wanted us to film videos to support what we have to suggest accordingly... I wouldn't say I'm good in it (yet) but I believe one day I will be there if I really put in the effort to.
It all started with an elective I chose, Destination management. As suggested, we are supposed to learn how do we manage a destination (i.e a country). If you're a fellow Singaporean, you will not be convinced cause I'm pretty sure even though I'm super patriotic and I love Singapore, I do find Singapore boring for those with lesser spending power like everything is just EXPENSIVE AND MORE EXPENSIVE if you want something fun. I don't think I can afford a lot of the attractions offered in Sentosa.
Though these attractions are nothing new, but a brand new angle that we tried to propose was Nightfall. Its not the typical clubs at Clarke Quay but what can business travelers do in Singapore after their day in conferences. Very often we hear people commenting that Singapore's nightlife is all about Clarke Quay but in this video we've created, we beg to differ. Because turns out, there's more!
Simply said, we wanted to promote friendships between nationals and Thai tourist (cause Thais apparently value friendships and families a lot). And coincidentally, one of our recommendations was to adopt a tourist and the local host will provide accommodation and companionship (and there's more to it but i'm not gonna touch more) and we could link it to the synopsis of our promotional video. HAHAHAHHA cause we did our filming even before working on our report. I was glad that our results well reflected our efforts for the project! But most importantly, I really had fun doing late night filming and couldn't care the judgmental glances from the passerby (especially the Little India scene cause we actually did it on a Sunday night gosh). Not to mention the Swee Choon scene...all seemed well but the glances from neighboring tables...they had no intention to judge us discreetly but given that we had 5 teens sitting in a semi circle and 3 cameras, with one huge tripod mounted...alright. And you can see the talents in our course by the related videos...if it works.
Subsequently, I attempted a short video during my trip to Kukup with da family for grand's birthdayy. Turns out it wasn't that bad.
not to mention i only had the idea to start filming cause I brought the tripod, but not the camera. YAY for my brains.
{I have nothing else to say, till then}
(SIT adopts a trimester basis academic calendar so in a year we have 3 trimesters)
Strictly speaking, I'm done with 2 trimesters into my year one and the third trimester is for my peers who are unable to exempt their internships (due to the different background they came from), which brings me back to the day when my tutor during secondary school days were concerned if the poly that I chose to go, offers advance standing (ie. credit exemptions) to universities. At that time, it didn't hit me cause I thought I wasn't able to study till I end up in a university. But right now as I look back, so grateful for her, if not I'll probably be crying at my study desk all day.
So, I am currently granted a 4-months long 'holiday' cause I was able to exempt my internship. This is the one and only longest holidays that I will ever have throughout my course of study cause between the trimesters, the 'holidays' will only last for 2 weeks and back we are in school! Thus, its my unofficial end of year one and in September, I'll be returning to school as a Year 2 students with no more exemptions (argh). Having said so, university is really really really not easy. I thought I was ready cause I remembered how much I hated work, but studying is another level of effort at your own expense. Taking into consideration that a bigger part of me expects myself to do well and good and that contributes to the stress, but....environmental played a huge role too. Its really "the only easy days were yesterday".
I had my fair share of fun this trimester (I only had three modules and two were electives). Sometimes, when people ask "Why did you choose to study Hospitality for both your diploma and degree" and my answer will always be "Cause hospitality is the only thing that I don't mind studying". Which is true. Cause I really felt I had fun while doing (some) projects. It can be really really really fun and it allowed me to realize that I actually have some interest in videoing. My interest to snap photos and all was just chucked aside cause I thought that was normal, but after projects got interesting and wanted us to film videos to support what we have to suggest accordingly... I wouldn't say I'm good in it (yet) but I believe one day I will be there if I really put in the effort to.
It all started with an elective I chose, Destination management. As suggested, we are supposed to learn how do we manage a destination (i.e a country). If you're a fellow Singaporean, you will not be convinced cause I'm pretty sure even though I'm super patriotic and I love Singapore, I do find Singapore boring for those with lesser spending power like everything is just EXPENSIVE AND MORE EXPENSIVE if you want something fun. I don't think I can afford a lot of the attractions offered in Sentosa.
Though these attractions are nothing new, but a brand new angle that we tried to propose was Nightfall. Its not the typical clubs at Clarke Quay but what can business travelers do in Singapore after their day in conferences. Very often we hear people commenting that Singapore's nightlife is all about Clarke Quay but in this video we've created, we beg to differ. Because turns out, there's more!
Simply said, we wanted to promote friendships between nationals and Thai tourist (cause Thais apparently value friendships and families a lot). And coincidentally, one of our recommendations was to adopt a tourist and the local host will provide accommodation and companionship (and there's more to it but i'm not gonna touch more) and we could link it to the synopsis of our promotional video. HAHAHAHHA cause we did our filming even before working on our report. I was glad that our results well reflected our efforts for the project! But most importantly, I really had fun doing late night filming and couldn't care the judgmental glances from the passerby (especially the Little India scene cause we actually did it on a Sunday night gosh). Not to mention the Swee Choon scene...all seemed well but the glances from neighboring tables...they had no intention to judge us discreetly but given that we had 5 teens sitting in a semi circle and 3 cameras, with one huge tripod mounted...alright. And you can see the talents in our course by the related videos...if it works.
Subsequently, I attempted a short video during my trip to Kukup with da family for grand's birthdayy. Turns out it wasn't that bad.
{I have nothing else to say, till then}
Friday, February 10, 2017
Blessed Child
Oh and that's a Happy 2k17 for all of you guys!
Haven't been really back here for ages with so many changes in life. People have been moving on to other sites that are more private than blogs but me being me, I know I don't have the heart to keep so many things updated at a time (this place is a good proof). From a teen, till a young adult much things have changed about me and I guess last time I kept a blog for people to read up about things that I don't feel comfortable sharing upfront and if you cared you would be digging up blog posts to read and that's how I would like you to know about it without having me to say it. After these years..I guess the only reason why I'm still here is definitely because I know after a few years, an older me would be reading this post and I'll go "those were the days and thoughts when I was young". Works more like a time capsule for me? Heh.
So in 2016, Jo has failed her university admission interview and went on to work for about a year when she realised the fantasy bubble that she was in. Fortunately, 皇天不负有心人, efforts paid off and I still got admitted in Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT) and into the course that I've wanted, Hospitality Business! Of course, within that one year I was really lost. Not so sure if I really wanted to continue pursue in this field (after my diploma in Hospitality as well) cause as we all know, its a field that everyone could do even if you don't have related knowledge prior. Definitely, I have considered staying status quo, to continue working and at least every month I have income. As a student, I'll only have lots of expenditures and that's really contrasting. Considering the fact that I have a commendable poly results, I did have a lot of choices on my hand. I could continue working, or further my studies in this course of my interest or I could change a path and try something else.
Adults always advised me to do something that I'll like, which is like of course, why would I wanna do something that I don't? But, is this hospitality industry really something that I like, or its just something familiar and easy for me to do well academically (at least in poly). So many things went through and of course since young, as a Singaporean every parent would like to see their child getting into established universities like NTU. Having a sister who graduated from there and I watched her vibrant campus life with hall activities, it was kinda captivating and I was curious about life like that. Well. I could also enrol into a course that I could qualify in the university. And, in fact yes I did accepted into Chinese Studies but knowing myself well enough, I don't even deal w anything associated with history and whichever dynasty. I could call myself a bimbo when being asked about the world's history (I'm only interested in WW2). But anyway at the end I still ended up in Hospitality cause I figured out, I should be interested in that.
Two months into 2k17, and lots happened.
Like for the first in 22 years of my life, I got hospitalised. And it was quite bad. Almost gotten myself into the ICU unit but thankfully, I'm a blessed child.
Got Pneumonia after weeks of being a heroine walking in the rain like the rain didn't bother me anyway and before I realised it, I'm down. People who knows me for years would know Chingay is already an annual affair for me. And this illness just have to strike me during the week in Feb that I was sooooo looking forward to with all the field trips in school, and of course the actual parades. Of course I know I shouldn't even step near the event site since there's going to be lots of crowd and the environment is not good for this broken pair of lungs of mine especially when there is still some fluid in there. During my 8 days of stay in the hospital, it hurts so much to see my mummy rushing down to the hospital after her work and of course my boyfr who has to keep worrying and I know, life is tiring enough already. Mummy has so much to take care of and her youngest just have to crumble for the first time in her life, and to make things worst, I can't swallow pills. And that means that, I literally threw up every pill that I've attempted to swallow, which is equivalent to not eating any medication. I was really feeling fine, and is energetic but according to the doctors, my insides were in a really bad condition. Since young, fever did not really bother me as I hardly feel the toll of the fever unless the temperature is really high. So for this time, my last straw before I admitted myself into the hospital was a temperature of 39.9. And throughout the first few days, my temperature kept hovering around 39 and high 38 but I felt really fine and was ready to go home actually.
So their everyday was basically work-hospital-home and I have already missed school for about two weeks now. Looking at the positive side, hmmm since I'm still in my first year and thanks to my credit exemptions I don't have a tight school schedule. Just gotta catch up with those that I have missed out and the tests that I have missed (if there's any way to retake or something).
It wasn't until times like this I've learnt how important it is to take care of my health unless I'm really okay with things going off as how I've planned it to be. Field trip that I have missed out, I've gotta do it on my own, and not to mention to be lesser a burden to my group mates with the lessons I've missed out and a set of weak lungs. I just gotta pray so hard that my lungs won't fail me when I'm doing my assignment out there. I'm never returning back to the ward's bed and the oxygen tube that reek of rubber smell although that really saved my life. On a side note: Girls, please think twice before doing gelish nails unless you're very sure that you're going to be so healthy until it wears off (I was absolutely certain of my health too) cause with gelish nails, they can't detect oxygen level from your nails (HAHAHAHA) and from there, I'm really amazed with the alternatives they sought to in order to detect the oxygen level in my lungs (which of course was low since my lungs were infected w Influenza virus).
This should be my seventh year doing Chingay, and yes today is actual parades and my boyfr and all my friends are all at Chingay but I'm just going to be at home. Is this my lesson learnt for not bringing umbrella out during rainy days? Boyfr asked, why must I always be with my chingay gang.
I asked myself. Did I? Probably. My bffs and most of my close friends are formed in Chingay. Was it just coincidence? Seven years, definitely not something short. I would say it was really difficult to hang on despite all the changes over the years and having to accept new comers in the team and dealing w the good old memories with the older group of friends who I have held dearly to. Yes, its hard for me to just let go of Chingay even though its just for that 3 more operations. I fear missing out. It just sucks to think that that streak has been broken, by yourself, by my broken lungs. On top of that, its much more than that. Knowing that manpower is a very very very big issue in volunteering today, the fact that an exco member is missing and in the first place our team is very small to start with. With me dropping out, its only BFF and Chenyan who is also new to the team. Nonetheless, I have lots of faith in bff that everything is just going to turn out fine. All I have to do, is to take care of my health first and I'll be back next year. If all turns out well.
So many more things that was going through me these few things cause I've been missing out but oh well. Life is such.
Still a big thank you to my boyfr my mummy and my friends who have been worrying about me.
I have learnt my lesson and will start taking care of myself now.
Now that my mummy is starting to take after my symptoms and when I was really sick, the boyfr was sick as well and it really caught me. I would rather be the one suffering than to see all of them falling sick cause of me. That feeling really suck when you're already burdening them and they had to fall ill on top of their daily lives already. I just can't deal.
That's all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)