my darkest time

Was looking through my old photos and yeah I'm shocked.
Looking back at how I've changed over the years, I officially say, my secondary school's time was like the darkest part of my life.
Yeah, maybe 4 years later I'll find the me now disgusting and ugly but oh well.

Acne.
Always my problem since secondary 1 I guess.
Thought everything would be fine like since it was merely just that 1 or two pimple.
but after some time, before I could realize it almost my whole face were covered with acne.
isn't it disgusting?
Yeah, it is.
But puberty..? Inheritance from my parents..?
Never knew the reason why has it got to be me, for getting that kind of complexion.

applaud for my courage please.

and yeah, unfortunately my teacher in upper sec catches me for my fringe every single day.
What could be worse to exposing my wide forehead with pimples?
but truthfully, I might look horrible with my fringe up but I have to admit it's very comfortable then.

As you grow up I guess for my age appearance is actually quite..important?
I don't really remember the unhappy stuffs back then, but back then I didn't really care about my face.
I just live the way I do, spending my everyday with my clique.
When friends called me "Princess Ruby" cause of the 'red gems' I have on my face, at most I feel a bit of the pinch like oh well that's kinda true, and I would always laugh it off.
what matters?

I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt.
it did, and I thought I was fine coping with all these comments.
Soon after it wasn't only my friends, but even my family members started commenting on my face.
Okay, I'm okay.
what happened to me? of course, I lost all confidence of my appearance, myself. 
Being inferior and all.
The times I stared at other girls' face and thought,
 "if only my next life I can have that kind of complexion.."
really.
there's this one period of time I really prayed and hoped,
" In my next life, I want to be pretty. " 
I'm a girl, no matter what.
Which girl doesn't want to be pretty?

I've once went to the polyclinic and the doctor merely gave me antibiotics.
And yeah, I didn't manage to complete the whole thing.
I couldn't swallow pills.
so yup scars were left on my face.
It's okay. You can't tell between fresh acne and scars, they're there.
Guess that was why I don't really take a lot of photos back then.

Until I went to the skin specialist.
I didn't expect a lot from the doctors, since the antibiotics and many others didn't work.
but surprisingly, my skin condition did improve.
I wouldn't say my skin is clean, it's perfect now.
It's not.
The scars are still there, sometimes acne still grow.
But the medicine cream by the skin specialist are really freaking effective.

Okay maybe the photo on the right contains some camera effect.
Because my skin isn't that pure. LOL!

I'm sure this doesn't have any effect. Cause it's from my lousy iphone 4's front camera.

The scars would never fade.
scars in me will never go away
but i still feel happy because at least it improved.
I can at least take nicer photos without having to edit it with loads of blemish.

and of course the camera's skin effect is getting better nowadays.

but i'll always be Joanne.
I wonder how does people look at me.
My friends.
I really don't.
But it's okay.

I don't even know why did I come up with this post.
that inferior me?
that me who had her life changed?
that me who grew up to look more like a girl now?
that me who will always want to go back to how she was?
I don't know what do I want.